Well life is still moving lke a rollercoaster. I feel like things happen and im not even aware of it till its passed. Then I think... maybe I could have handled it differently. Oh well.

Ive learned recently a lot. About who I am. Who I like to be around. Im pretty much over a lot. Ive decided im okay with the few people who remain in my life. I still feel dissapointment. I still see through the bullshit... but i'm deciding more to make mental notes then scream at the top of my lungs what an asshole people are. Also, less surprised! haha.  Besides Ive learned to just not care.

It used to hurt me... people not caring about my son or I. Then I thought their loss!! Friends who aren't there... means they aren't good friends. Maybe they are and they just dont care about you. Maybe you rub them the wrong way. Well Ive decided to treat people as if they are all strangers. Keep walking! I don't care if i've known you for 10 years. You treat me like shit, you're on the other side of the wall.

ahhh frustrations. I've been going through some shit recently. I hate when you go years thinking you feel a certain way about something and then BAM, emotions come tumbling forward and you find yourself knocked on your ass. My family life has been pretty up and down. Im not talking about real crazy problems like some people face. Im talking about personality conflicts. morality. Generalized anger amoungst each other. resentment. all the nasty shit that gets you nowhere in life.

I was pretty sure that even though i didn't like some things that have happened, I wasn't one of those people that held on to the past and cried about every little crappy thing thats been done. Turns out I was wrong. Some things have happened recently and it brought some emotions up I never knew I had. I feel like i have been in some sort of drug induced coma and i finally see the light. how shitty is that? All of a sudden I'm crying all the time. WTF.

There is nothing I can do about the past. I can be upset about how Ive been treated or where i've been wronged but I cant let it affect me. I gave myself a couple of days and now I refuse to let it bring me down. I have my own family now. I need to concentrate my son and making sure I'm the best mother I can be. I just wish that instead of preaching things my parents would have actually shown by example. You grow up and get older, your kids wont only see you through the light you've portrayed. We gain are own moral compass. It comes down to the fact that we are all people and it's about respect.

Here I go

Ive always wanted to be a writer. The thoughts however never end up on paper. paper.. everything is done through computers now which is most of my problem. How does it not block peoples creativity? You see so much just getting to the point of where you want to write. By then the thought has left my mind. There is some sort of comfort and excitement when I grab the perfect pen. Open up the perfect journal for those thoughts and let it out.

I guess what it comes down to is a sort of self consciousness. This is instantly posted into the world for whoever may stumble upon it. I have a problem with just feeling free. Even if I know no one has this URL, no one knows me. One last try at this blogging bit. I hope I can finally let this be what I've intended it to be.